Reflections on Aikido

Stella Fuentes (Northern Virginia Aikikai)

I always think being able to practice aikido is a gift that might be taken away at anytime. People wonder why I am always smiling and always observant or always trying hard to see aikido like it was the first time for me. There is an underlying principle that propels me to go to aikido class. Everyday, I think to myself: What if today were the last day I could practice aikido? Wouldn't you try to do your best, observe every nuance of behavior and movement, make every repetition count, every partnership a learning experience, every execution as joyful as possible?

What else can I do with the body I have now? How can I make my partner as happy about being on the mat as I am? How can I be a better person for myself and others? How else can I strengthen the spirit? I have been practicing and trying my best to do aikido since 1994. It's not such a long time compared to others who have been practicing forever. I have discovered how much more there is to learn and how much more practice and trying I need to do. For me, the joy is in the discovery and in the practice.

In the beginning, I joined aikido to be able to do something together with my boyfriend. We wanted to have an activity we could share and explore and be excited about. That reason hasn't changed, except now, he is my husband and there are other reasons why I have continued with my practice, which grew out of practicing aikido everyday. At first, it was to find my waist and to be able to keep it. I've lost my waist to more inches than when I started. So, that hasn't succeeded, but instead of finding my waist, I have found my center. It didn't take an instant. Noooo, not an instant at all. I'm constantly looking for it and finding it in daily practice, but I don't mind. It's all part of the fun.

In the early part of my kyu training, aikido was always translated to me as a physical technique. I had no idea about the principles behind it or the other aspects that would manifest themselves in my conciousness through time. They were never discussed. It was assumed that the students would learn about this for themselves and it probably was part of the training: how to develop observation skills and how to relate the techniques to the principles that make the techniques work. I was happily bumbling along trying to do a correct nikyo, yonkyo, kotegaeshe and that was that.

When I was getting ready for brown belt (first kyu), I asked my older brother to come and have a look at aikido practice, hoping he might like it. He did. Before that, I had to practice with the doorknob in my bedroom, the towel rack, the mop, the swinging door in the kitchen, the dog, who was an unpredictable uke, and anything I could get a hold on. And so, he started aikido too (my brother, not the dog). It was great, having a personal-at-home uke. I went to the dojo to practice three times a week, in the evenings, flood or no flood, and he went to another dojo to practice twice a week, on the weekends. We had different teachers, and anything I learned from my teacher, I traded with what he learned from his teacher. It felt good to have been an influence in his starting aikido. At that time, how could I have foreseen back that we would be opening up a dojo back in Bacolod, Philippines?

Eventually, I noticed a change in myself. If my teacher's teacher in the Philippines had not asked me "What does aikido practice do for you?" I would have remained oblivious and not developed self awareness in how I was progressing in aikido. I discovered I was more tolerant of differences, more even tempered and calm towards change and unexpected events. I was pleasantly surprised that I wasn't such a hair-trigger hot tempered firecracker anymore. The transformation came almost undetected, had it not been for the quiet probing questions someone might throw my way every now and then, or when I have one of those rare "confront-myself/why did-that happen" moments. It seems that the more you learn aikido, the more you look inside yourself for the answers to questions that bother you about what you see around you. as well as wanting to reach out to others and be a good neighbor.

When I look back, I see how fortunate I have been to have practiced and experienced the tradition and etiquette of aikido. I am fortunate to have had really good teachers, all the way up to the present. I feel terribly lucky to be loved by them and experience their care and guidance.

The reasons for my staying in aikido have multiplied. From that first reason of wanting to do something together with someone special, sprung many, many more. I practice aikido because I am eternally grateful for having found it. I practice aikido to be able to maintain control of myself when I am distressed, or sad. I practice aikido because it has helped me discover and constantly assess who I am, who my partners are, what my limitations and capabilities are. I practice aikido because it has manu more lessons about humanity and about the human spirit that I can still learn. I practice aikido to remind myself that I have to work on developing the virtues represented by the pleats in the hakama I wear.

Through time and practice, I could not have foreseen the impact that aikido would have on my life, that I would make sure I practice at least once a day. That I would miss it so much. That it would keep me sane and together when everything else in my life was falling apart. That no one ever guessed how much I hurt when my boyfriend and I broke up, or how lost I felt when my mom died or that I would base my thesis on it. Life was and is manageable just as long as I have aikido practice. It was my steady anchor. My "dojo-mates" thought I was a rock. Aikido was my rock. I practiced and practiced as if there was no tomorrow. Like I only had today. But aikido also taught me about balance. In every aspect of living, every duty, every enjoyment, every thing that needs to be done, has its own time, its own order. So I cannot be on the mats all the time, I have to be sister, teacher, wife, citizen, friend, nage, uke, present, absent. Just trying to balance everything that comes my way, giving it its fair attention and dealing with it, then moving on to the next aspect.

Throughout all of the practice, I am always amazed at the diversity in its interpretation and understanding. I am fascinated how aikido transcends the boundaries of the mat and how it leaks into and permeates everyday conversation, daily human relations, community work and communication, and being a responsible citizen. I am forever grateful for its emphasis on respect. It seems that I will never have enough days of practice to come, so I can try to go through the end of my days with as much gusto and passion as when I was a beginning 6th kyu student. I still feel like that beginner. Everyday. I am still amazed every time I am on the mat. There is always something new to learn and discover. I am always in love with the practice and the work to be done so I can become a better, more productive, more helpful person.

There are as many reasons why people continue a pursuit as there are grains of sand. Of this pursuit, I have this to say: I am glad I stayed, and I am looking forward to learning some more.