Confused And Loving It

By Peter Aldrich (Bermuda Aikikai)
paldrich@stevedoring.bm

When we've been in the dojo for a while, we often forget what it was like when we first walked through that door. It can be a very daunting experience and often why we started is not the reason that we stay, and just as often, aikido is not what we thought it would be.

If you do stay, in the beginning there is one constant: constant confusion! Your body is not doing what it's told, there is strange Japanese etiquette and weird clothes. Not to mention those unwritten rules that you didn't know about until it is too late and furthermore, how confusing could pivoting on one foot really be?

In a recent conversation with a newer dojo member who was suffering the full effects of what I like to call "aiki-overload," I recalled how the first 2 years of my time in the dojo seemed like one giant confusing blur. Nothing I did seemed to make sense and no amount of investigation or assistance could shed any light on my dilemma.

Used to seeing faster results, my frustration would mount and be clearly evident on the mat. The harder I tried, the harder it seemed! We all have that face; the quizzical look, eye brows mushed together and jaw clenched as we stare down at our feet or hands hoping that through some divine O Sensei intervention that we will suddenly "get it". But we don't...

As training progresses some things become a little clearer and things seem to make a little more sense as your body and mind try to absorb this elusive thing called "aikido." Progress is often unexpected and best described by one of my sempai as "mini revelations". I think that these mini revelations or "little epiphanies" are the things that keep us going and keep us interested. At least it does for me!

Collins Smith Sensei's solution was simple, "just keep walking through that door." Well I have been walking through that door for about 10 years now and the clearer some things get, the fuzzier other things become! And this is exactly what keeps me walking back through that door.

I thought that when I reached shodan that everything would fall into place, how simplistic was I. I made shodan (alive-my first goal!) and as if by magic I suddenly felt like the dumbest person on the mat. But, I am "shodan" I thought...this should be getting easier.

What is shodan? I realize now that it is just another stop on the journey that starts when you walk through that door, and never ends.

I suggested to a frustrated kohie recently that the big giant light bulb everyone is waiting for is just not going to come on in your head. It is more like an endless string of mini Christmas tree lights lighting up one after another with no predetermined time frame. When you are ready and in that "place" a bulb will light up often with no warning and start you looking for the next one. So keep walking throught the door and forget about the "Big Light Bulb" and look forward to untangling that string of little ones!