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Getting used to the flow of feminine energy
 
With Young Honest Mother, I'm adjusting to the speed of feminine energy.
 
I had no idea what "feminine energy" or "masculine energy" meant until I attended an online course called Shaping a Feminine Track with Kimberly Ann Johnson, founder of The Fourth Trimester, in April. All I knew was that I was continuously unhappy with my recent lack of achievements. I spent the last twenty-three years of my life trying to do more. I looked for stability in the academic and corporate structures, and I saw myself climbing the rungs of a never-ending ladder. Yet, I was entirely focused on myself, always thinking about how I would keep going on yogitimes.com
 
To put it another way, I bought into a story fed to me from every direction. "Get into a good college, get good grades, get a decent career, find a nice partner, and have a good baby," she advises. I wasn't doing enough if I wasn't aggressively and ostentatiously demonstrating my steadfast commitment to that path. My achievements were a reflection of my self-esteem. In all honesty, I kept track of accolades, diplomas, and perfect scores as evidence that I deserved to be loved. I spent my entire life in the world of macho. The force motivates all humans, regardless of gender, to be productive members of society at any cost. I lived my life to do more.

Then I found out I was expecting a child.
 
"I" became "us." I changed my focus from "where am I going?" to "how are we going to get there?" I moved into my body, felt my shape alter, develop, and move in ways I had never experienced before, packing up the intellectual space I had been living in my head. I began to want a supportive network and shifted my focus away from achieving solo achievement. I was moved with such a laid-back attitude. For the first time in my life, "being" became my purpose, and my never-ending over-production came to a standstill. I was working on a whole other frequency, one that I had never previously permitted myself to access.
 
For the past three years, I've been adapting to the speed of feminine energy. Unfortunately, I've also learned to: Reconsider my worth.
I don't recall anyone ever teaching me how to appreciate this new condition of "being." Instead, I'd come to recognize it as unacceptably laziness. As a result, I established my persona as a hyperactive overachiever. I believed that my successes demonstrated my value, and I didn't feel like I was achieving anything when I initially started staying at home. But, as it turned out, I was incorrect. I wasn't looking at myself through the eyes of the lawful feminine, who informs me that all I have to do is "be" me. Instead, when I took a step back, I saw that simply "being" with my kid, feeding him, teaching him, singing to him, teaching him... was all he needs. And that's worth a lot of things.
 
Allow yourself to be guided by the clock.
 
Predictability appeals to me. I appreciate knowing that I can rely on a schedule to help me get through the daily grind. The lawful feminine, on the other hand, isn't linear when it comes to maintaining time. As a result, I've had to learn how to navigate life in ways I never imagined possible. In retrospect, the transition from linear to cyclical timekeeping was most noticeable in the early days of parenthood. The 24 hours in a day mix and blur together until they give up and decide to let the unstoppable rhythm of "feed, sleep, change the baby" mark the passage of time. One thing is sure: my schedule no longer reigns supreme. And by submitting to the cycle, I've been able to relieve a lot of self-imposed tension. What has to happen will happen when it has to happen. Kate Northrup's book Do Less has been a fantastic resource for navigating this transition.
 
Take pleasure in the break.
 
I discovered I might find rejuvenation inside the energy of the lawful feminine once I resolved to stop swimming against the stream. For example, when Milo started waking up four times a night, I stopped staying up late and started getting things done early. I gave myself permission to relax, which allowed me to escape utter burnout. Surrendering to the sluggish feminine has been exasperating. Adapting to a slower pace of living was a significant challenge to my entire way of existence. But here's the thing: the field isn't always plenty. A growth season exists. There is also a time to be dormant. I require both. We're all guilty of it.